Thursday, June 20, 2013

Emerging

I'm in a place in life where I'm rediscovering myself. I'm out of the haze of baby days and just trying to survive. Travis sometimes looks at me funny, almost as if he's trying to figure out who I am. And I totally understand, because I'm doing the same thing.

My core values and faith aren't changing. I'm not going through some crisis where I question my life and where I am and how I got here. While I never dreamed of being a mom of six kids, I know without a doubt that it is the exact place I belong, as it is forming me from the inside out. I'm really selfish, and this day to day mothering and marriage provides endless opportunity to wear away the  layers of selfishness. It is a long and weary process for those around me. Ask them, they'll probably tell you.

What I'm discovering is a new confidence. I spent all of my 20s being pregnant and nursing, more or less. There was not a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with myself, or what new dreams I might have, or even what kind of music I liked. (That's kind of a joke.) I was pregnant on  my 30th birthday, but since then have left that stage of life. And I'm loving it.

I don't know if I can even describe or explain all that is going on in my head. From fitness to future hobbies to I don't know what, there's a constant swirl of thoughts. Of course, I am happily still a wife and mother. I want to tell other women that it is okay to want to spend some time on yourself. You can be the best mother and wife and friend and still take care of you. It is not selfish to say you are worth time at the gym, or the salon, or the knitting store, or whatever moves you and refreshes you.

Travis and I are speaking to a group at my brother's parish about dating your spouse. Sometimes I think that phrase is a little cheesy, but I do think it is incredibly important. I want to talk to couples, women especially, and tell them to let go of perfection. To make time to hang out with their husbands, even if it means their kids miss a soccer game or a birthday party or whatever. A perfect home and perfect kids are pretty empty if your marriage is a shadow.

I think about all these things in the shower, or when I'm running, or when I can't sleep at night. I am hopeful that they will turn into coherent ideas that I can share here. I feel a passion stirring, I just need to figure out what to do with it.

7 comments:

  1. I'm trying so hard to get there . . . not going fast,though, to be honest. I miss myself sometimes.

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  2. Self discovery is an amazing thing. I am going through some of the same things myself these days. Thankfully we both have husbands who know it is important for us to still have time for ourselves.

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  3. I have definitely noticed you emerging, and it's a beautiful thing to see. I can't wait to see where your passions take you! :-) Meanwhile, you inspired me to run my first half marathon, and you inspire me to enjoy my kids and husband more. So keep writing!

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  4. Love you girl! I'm in the same place. Thanks for sharing. All moms need to hear this from other moms. We need to know we aren't alone!
    Xoxo

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  5. Love this post, Nicole. Thank you. :)

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  6. Beautiful and thoughtful piece. My favorite line in this piece is, "It is not selfish to say you are worth time at the gym, or the salon, or the knitting store, or whatever moves you and refreshes you." This is my own daily struggle - to remind ME of my own self-worth. Looking forward to seeing where your passions take you.

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  7. I love your thoughts! I can't wait to read what you come up with. I have a stirring too but I can't put my finger on it yet and it makes me nervous.

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I'm dying to know what you have to say, so talk already! Thanks!