I'm in a place in life where I'm rediscovering myself. I'm out of the haze of baby days and just trying to survive. Travis sometimes looks at me funny, almost as if he's trying to figure out who I am. And I totally understand, because I'm doing the same thing.
My core values and faith aren't changing. I'm not going through some crisis where I question my life and where I am and how I got here. While I never dreamed of being a mom of six kids, I know without a doubt that it is the exact place I belong, as it is forming me from the inside out. I'm really selfish, and this day to day mothering and marriage provides endless opportunity to wear away the layers of selfishness. It is a long and weary process for those around me. Ask them, they'll probably tell you.
What I'm discovering is a new confidence. I spent all of my 20s being pregnant and nursing, more or less. There was not a lot of time to think about what I wanted to do with myself, or what new dreams I might have, or even what kind of music I liked. (That's kind of a joke.) I was pregnant on my 30th birthday, but since then have left that stage of life. And I'm loving it.
I don't know if I can even describe or explain all that is going on in my head. From fitness to future hobbies to I don't know what, there's a constant swirl of thoughts. Of course, I am happily still a wife and mother. I want to tell other women that it is okay to want to spend some time on yourself. You can be the best mother and wife and friend and still take care of you. It is not selfish to say you are worth time at the gym, or the salon, or the knitting store, or whatever moves you and refreshes you.
Travis and I are speaking to a group at my brother's parish about dating your spouse. Sometimes I think that phrase is a little cheesy, but I do think it is incredibly important. I want to talk to couples, women especially, and tell them to let go of perfection. To make time to hang out with their husbands, even if it means their kids miss a soccer game or a birthday party or whatever. A perfect home and perfect kids are pretty empty if your marriage is a shadow.
I think about all these things in the shower, or when I'm running, or when I can't sleep at night. I am hopeful that they will turn into coherent ideas that I can share here. I feel a passion stirring, I just need to figure out what to do with it.