The Struggle

There is struggle in all that I do lately, is how I feel.

I struggle with contentment. So much. I push against gratitude and awareness of how incredibly blessed I am. I reject every piece of evidence that says I am favored and well-loved.

I run and I do push-ups and so on and whatever, and then I see what someone else did; how they went farther or pushed harder and I diminish my efforts. Instead of acknowledging how far I have come, I look at where I could still go. But then I look at myself (so vain!) and see all the evidence of my hard work, of efforts only I could make, and I try to hang on to that for a bit.

I read a person's words and I am tempted to delete my own. To scrap this whole blog thing, and forget that I ever called myself a writer. I struggle to get one post a week here, while others write daily. But I try to remember that six (!) years ago I didn't even know I had the words in me.

I struggle with an inclination to laziness and resentment. Wanting acknowledgment for what I get done while failing to do all that needs to be done. I know that it is immature and irrational. I know that no one is keeping tabs and checking to see who is ahead. I try to resolve to do better.

The internet is a wonder and a beast. We can find words and friends to push us and inspire us and encourage us. Or we can find words and strangers behind a screen that tear us down, that make us forget who we are and how blessed our life is.

My poor husband and a few close friends have to deal with my struggle nearly every day. They see me go from confident and secure to doubting and fearful in the seeming blink of an eye.

Ultimately, I know what I need to do. All of this struggle stems from failing to seek God in my life. I'm still in a spiritual desert, knowing I could get out, but not doing much about it. But coming here, and telling you about the struggle, tells me that I am winning. And that is enough.

Just Write with Heather of the EO

What I Wore to Thanksgiving Dinner

The charming, fabulously stylish Grace of Camp Patton is hosting a link-up for all of us to share our outfits for the day. Our family is very casual, so no fancy clothes here. Also, we've never hosted a holiday dinner. We always go to my parents or to Travis's extended family. That means I didn't even get dressed until 11:30 this morning. A real fancy life over here, folks.

I know you're thinking I just uploaded a random picture from the summer, but I did not. It is in the 70s here today and we've been warned by our family that the AC will not be turned on and to dress accordingly. So skirt and tank it is. It will cool off to a more seasonable 62 or so tomorrow. As a native Texan, I am just fine with this weather. Cold is overrated.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Too Much to Say it All

It is the week of Thanksgiving, and so like most bloggers I am writing about thankfulness.

Often, when I am running, I find myself at some point trying to distract myself from the discomfort or the tiredness or whatever, especially during distance runs. And one of the best ways for me to do that is to pray for others. As I think about the trials and blessings of our friends and family I can't help but be mindful of how very  blessed I am.

I'm so thankful for good health, for my entire family. None of us are daily plagued by a chronic condition. I'm able to get out and exercise daily with no limits other than my own fitness level. My kids go to school without medication or restriction. We are so blessed in our health.

I'm so thankful for my husband. He goes to work without complaint and does his job very well. He carries the burden of providing for us with grace and charity. He meets our every need and then some. He puts up with me and my princess ways. He parents our children with joy (most of the time) and patience. He is an example to me of surrendering to God's will for our lives and I'm absurdly lucky to be his wife.

I'm so thankful for my children. I'm naturally inclined to astounding levels of selfishness, but they draw me out of myself daily. They put up with  my moods and my lack of patience with surprising calm. They bring laughter and joy to our days and I am sure I don't deserve their grace, but they give it anyway.

I'm so thankful for our extended families as well. Our parents, aunts and uncles, siblings and cousins. Travis and I are both lucky to be a part of families that love unconditionally and share their blessings with us so freely. As we raise our own children we are so lucky to have such good examples around us.

I'm so thankful for our community. We are surrounded by people that extend love to us in so many ways. From our "Church Grandma" to neighbors we are never at a loss for people willing to come to our aid or celebrate in our triumphs.

I could go on and on here, but I won't. I'll just say that if I started listing all the reasons I am thankful I would likely never come to and end. We continue to be blessed beyond measure.

Still Talking about Running?

Am I still talking about running?

Yes, yes I am.

I'm running a lot. So I think about running a lot. When I'm not running, I'm trying to take care of my family and eat well and see my friends and carry on with life. When I am running, I think about all of those things and a million other things too. But I think about running the most. Which is kind of silly, because the whole idea is that running should be my time to let it all go. Sometimes I do and it is really refreshing.

Today, though, as I ran my four miles, I was mostly thinking about running. It was a weird run today. While I felt strong and able to get the distance done, I was also struggling. I finished two miles and wanted to quit. I didn't quit, because I would have been way too disappointed in myself, but I wanted to. I was thinking too much about running ten miles tomorrow. I was worrying about my pace too much. I was just thinking too much, period.

I'm going through a small crisis of confidence. The race is a month away. My training has been so smooth, with minimal pain and setbacks. I've been hitting my goal pace for a while, so there is a chance I'll be able to go even faster. But there is a part of me that is afraid I'm hitting everything just right now and will fall apart by race time.

This is totally normal, I think. Running distance is such a mental challenge, for me. Yes, there is a physical challenge, but that is not the part that is hard for me, relatively speaking. The mental commitment to doing this is hard to sustain. Keeping a positive attitude about putting in the miles and finding time to do it and sticking with all the other aspects of training can wear me down. I'm so glad we are at least done with fall sports and I can relax in the evenings.

I have three long runs left, before the race. I love the feeling I have when I am done with a long run--powerful, peaceful, proud. I try to hang on to that feeling when I'm having a hard, short run. I try to tell myself that the achievement is in the effort, not the result.

Mostly I try to stop thinking so much.