Before I Forget

Today is the last day of school. Naturally I'm looking forward to days with no alarm clocks and not having to make breakfast and lunch at the same time. But I also know there will be days when we're climbing the walls and wishing school was back in session.

I thought I write down some things that are good right now, that make me happy. Things that say we aren't failing at this parenting business as much as we might sometimes think.

My kids still get up relatively easily and happily in the mornings. Taylor is 10 and I'm sure the day will come when she whines and complains about waking up earlier than she would like, but for now she takes just a couple extra minutes to get out of bed and is not grumpy (which is more than can be said for her mother).

At Christmas we gave the boys a DS to share and the girls got one too. So far, they still ask for permission to play before getting it out. We've never said they had to ask first, but I like that they realize it is not something to be used constantly and that it is a privilege to have one. We are doing something right.

All six kids still choose to sleep in the same room when allowed, usually weekends. Now that it is summer they'll want to do so more often, but we'll still keep it to every few nights, as they don't settle as quickly when they're all together. I love that they want to be together and don't feel crowded by their surroundings (their mother could learn from them).

(can you find all six?)

The perks of a large family are not always easy to anticipate. Last night Taylor took a bath with Ben (10 and 2) and Madeleine took a bath with Lily (9 and 4). This allowed me to relax for a while and know that everyone was safe and happy. My big girls still like being asked to help keep the younger kids happy, most of the time. And seeing relationships grow between siblings is always encouraging.

I'm still the "Best Mom Ever" in the eyes of a little girl. My big girls still think I'm cool (whatever that means). My boys think I know a lot about sports and cool boy stuff. And they all think kissing is gross, especially when Mom and Dad do it.

Trying to Love

"Preach the Gospel at all times. When necessary, use words." St. Francis of Assisi (Forgive me if that is not the exact quote)

I've been thinking about those words a lot lately.

It seems there is a lot of yelling and shaming and boycotting and so on going on in the Christian community lately. Now, I'm no theologian and I'm far from having it all figured out, but I don't think Jesus likes seeing so much negative action. My heart doesn't long for the peace of God that looks and sounds like condemnation.

I hope that my life is a witness to my beliefs. I hope that people see me and see a woman whose heart is for others. I have no illusions that I'm perfect or that I exude charity all the time. I'm human, I'm selfish, I'm weak, I'm imperfect.

My heart breaks to know that there are girls and women who feel so unloved, so without hope that they make a terrifying and life-changing decision alone. Instead of shouting at those that feel differently from us, maybe we should spend a lot more time and energy showing love. Let's build clinics that offer every service a woman needs, short of abortion (yeah, I said the a-word on my blog). Let's be a voice of hope, a voice that says "you are loved, you are worthy, you are not alone." I'm tired of boycotts and letters and righteous indignation. And I think maybe the One who loves us more than we can know is getting tired of it too.

And about that other hot topic. I don't know. I don't know what is right and how I feel about the ultimate question of gay marriage. I know what my Church teaches. I know too that I am free to question and pray and seek guidance. What I really know, is that again, hate and shame and condemnation do nothing to convince anyone that the One who loves me is influencing how I live my life. If all anyone sees when they look at our community of believers is anger and hate what would ever make them think we are moved by and to love?

I have plenty of opportunities to be a witness to the love of Christ in my daily life. I have chance upon chance to extend grace to those around me because Grace is freely given to me if I only seek it. I know LOVE that is extraordinary. But does anyone I encounter know that about me?

That's what is laying on my heart in these times. Have I shown love? Have I shown grace? Or am I keeping it all to myself?

As I said before, I hope that my life bears witness to what I believe is true. I don't get political or controversial here because that is not really who I am. I welcome questions via email and polite, respectful discussion. What I've shared here is thoughts and feelings that I'm still working out. I don't have all the answers and I'll never claim to always and every time be right. Thanks for reading.

Just Write

Empty

We finally took the plunge. We acquired a crib mattress from a friend. We took down the pack and play in our (large, ventilated) closet. It was time for Benjamin to move to the big boys room.

He didn't go to sleep until 11:00 the first night. He didn't nap yesterday. He did crash at 9:15 last night, a sweet mercy for his tired mother. And today he fought his nap before falling asleep on the floor, right behind the door to the room. Silly boy.

He doesn't seem to care for the mattress. At night he would rather sleep on the bottom bunk with Timmy. This doesn't surprise me and in fact makes me pretty happy.

But our closet is empty. Oh, there are clothes and shoes and the random detritus a closet accumulates over time. But there is no crib. And there is no baby on the way to take over the space. And it is so weird. A good weird, I think. But still weird.

This is a strange place to be. Friends are still having babies. We are of an age that more babies would be the norm, but we started so young and had so many, so quickly. So we say we are done. Or we think we are done. Or whatever it is you say that says in our minds we are done but we won't presume to know the future. I don't think I'll have a definitive answer to that question until my body can't support a baby for good.

So I am seeking out extra snuggles and a million kisses. I am holding on to the last baby-ish things about our Benjamin. But I know that just because the closet is empty does not mean that life is empty.

Life is full to bursting.

Just Write

Where I've Been

Yes, I will still write here! I've had ideas for posts in my head and I've "written" bits and pieces in my mind, but the time and the desire to sit down and write has not happened at the same time in a while. I feel like I get some of my best ideas while I'm running or in the shower, it seems. And, well, I can't exactly stop what I'm doing and write the ideas down!

So where have I been? I hope I've been living. We are wrapping up our busy sports season, down to just the two big boys playing a few more baseball games. Benjamin turned two! What?! This is the first time we've had a child turn two and not had another one on the way. It is a bit weird. Travis and I both feel like we are not called to grow our family (right now, maybe ever, this is no easy thing to explain), but it is still a little bittersweet not to be preparing for a new baby. Especially since many friends around us are expecting a new addition. I guess I'll just snuggle their babies. And then give them back and go to sleep!

I've been ruminating (that makes me sound so smart) about some things lately and trying to figure out how/when to write about my thoughts. It seems our society has become one of condemnation for ideologies/lifestyles that are not our own. I've been struggling with what message some of my fellow Christians give to the world with such strong words and actions against certain things. I feel like there is a lot less love in our world and a lot more judgment and division. I have a lot more to say about this, but today is not the day to write about it. I want to think about it more.

I'm still exercising. I even ran two days in a row this week. Miracle! I've read some articles recently too and I think I'm going to have to get over my stubbornness/laziness and really evaluate what my family is eating. I don't want to do this because I know it will require some time to figure out what changes we can make and how to incorporate it into our life. It can all seem so overwhelming.

I guess where I've been is in real life. I love writing here and I love the community I've found on Twitter, but I obviously need to love the people right in front of me first. So I'm trying.