Just Write: Words

(Written in a notebook last night, typed today, no editing, promise)

She says "u-knee-corn" instead of "u-nuh-corn" and my heart explodes and freezes at the same time. Lily has said it this way all along, but today I heard it as if it was new and different. Hence the explode. But the freeze? That is me trying to hold on. One day she won't say it that way. And will I notice the first time she says it "right" or will she have been saying it and I just hadn't heard?

While I was gone Ben grew by one million times, naturally. I put him in his seat and he says "buckle" and I exclaim. Oh that, Travis says. Yeah, he's been saying it. But it was my first time to hear it and so it was worthy of exclamation to me.

Instead of worrying about what I've already missed and what I might miss I will say "this is happening now and I am witnessing it" and that is good enough. Most of the time.

Linking up at The Extraordinary Ordinary.

Write Something Scary

Write something scary, he said.

I wanted to stand up and say that just being there, in that room with people who write so passionately and well was all the scary I could handle. The session was called "Falling Back in Love with Writing" and I felt like a fraud even being there. How can you fall back in love with something that you're not sure you've ever loved in the first place?

I'm not sure I've ever felt like a writer, at least for more than five minutes at a time. A re-teller of events, maybe, but not a writer. But being there in that session stirred something inside, something that did not awaken at the other sessions. So there must be something in me that wants to get it out. Instead of telling myself all the reasons I can't possibly be a writer, maybe it is time to look at all the things that say I am a writer.

I want to write without expectation and without fear of response. I censor and edit and worry about what the person reading will think or say about me. If I've never exposed this part of me, how do they know it has always been there? 

Write something scary. Here goes.

I am a writer.

Hello Blissdom Friends!

I'm hoping to figure out how to make this post stay at the top for a week or so, for anyone visiting for the first time from Blissdom. So, if you are a regular reader you can scroll down and find new content, hopefully (but not until Friday, at the earliest, where I hope to post about What It's Like: When I'm Gone). Since I'm techno-lame it might not work.

What an introduction!

Welcome new readers! I thought I would just share some of my favorite posts to help you get to know me and my writing. I'm so grateful you're taking time to visit my space on the internet and hope you'll return.

I've been joining in the Just Write carnival hosted by Heather of the Extraordinary Ordinary fairly consistently. It is really opening up a new way of writing for me and I'm hoping to grow this side of me more. One of my favorite posts from this exercise is The In Between.

Next I want to lead you to a post I wrote about a dream coming true. You see, I am a die-hard baseball fan. A Texas Rangers fan to be specific. (If you follow me on Twitter you're sure to be annoyed by my sports tweets at some point over the coming baseball season.) My love of baseball started young when I just wanted to hang out with my dad. In 2010 I got to take him to see the Rangers in the World Series! Something I never thought would happen. You can read all about it here.

Finally, I've been writing my own little series about life with six kids. I am still sometimes surprised by my life so I thought I would share some things about our family and how we make it work.  I've written about marriage, going out in public, driving a giant (no, really, 15-passenger!) van, and feeding all of us.

I've also updated my About page, so hopefully you'll feel like you "know" me from reading. Of course, hopefully we already met in person at Blissdom!

What It Is Like: Mom Goes Out of Town

I'm here at the Gaylord Opryland getting my Bliss on as I type. Naturally I couldn't sleep in, even though I didn't have to be anywhere until 9:00, but it is still nice to have a slow morning. This week I'm writing about what it is like when I am gone for a few days. Next week Travis is going to give us his perspective, which is sure to be entertaining. (By the time I came back and finished this post and edited it was almost 11:00 p.m.!)

Back when I booked this trip, I had no idea how busy our schedule would be this weekend. We have basketball ending and baseball, volleyball, and soccer starting at the same time. Also, Travis has a retreat meeting for three hours on Saturday morning. Coordinating childcare and making sure we missed the fewest events possible was my main order of business before I left. So, I arranged sitters and talked to coaches and made a plan. When I leave (Travis and I have both been doing retreats for years) I always leave detailed notes for Travis. Not because he is not capable, at all, but because I know it is easier for him if I give him notes. I list out times to be places for any unusual events, including suggestions to make it easier--such as what time to start getting ready so they're not rushed, or what a particular child (for the young ones) might need to make things so smoothly. I think that whoever is the stay-home parent, or the parent with primary responsibility for the kids and their schedules, just automatically knows some things, but we forget that our spouse might not know those things. Travis likes the notes and I like knowing I've done something to make things a little easier.

My family also has to eat. Happily, Travis likes to cook and is great in the kitchen so I didn't have to make meals in advance. I bought the ingredients for spaghetti for one night, pork chops for another, and then left them on their own for one night. This builds in a break for Travis to grab cheese pizza or something and the kids like the treat of going out or getting take out. A win for everyone!

Ideally, when I leave, I have cleaned and organized the house. Travis does not expect this of me, but I know that it makes life easier for him if things are neat and clean. So you might find me frantically cleaning bathrooms and doing laundry when I should be packing and getting myself ready. This week I got the bathrooms clean and our room straightened, so not as much as I would have liked, but better than chaos. I feel like it is courteous to my family to try to leave things nice since they are all at home while I'm off having fun.

When I am gone on a trip I am absolutely comfortable leaving the kids and Travis. I don't mean to imply that I don't miss them or value them, just that I treasure time to myself and I know it restores my spirit. It is good for Travis to get time with the kids, doing the day-to-day (so happy I don't have to help with homework!) and remembering what I do every day (not that I'm awesome or anything, and he is always appreciative). I don't worry that things will fall apart. I don't care if the house is clean when I come home, although Travis is usually great about having it ordered. Travis is so good with the kids and he knows what he's doing. People sometimes imagine him completely overwhelmed when I'm not there, but he's a dad and he's been doing this right alongside me all this time.

So what it is like when I'm gone is refreshing for me and good for my family. We work together to get things in order before I leave so that I can relax knowing everyone at home is having fun and not missing me too much. I can't wait to see what Travis says about what it is like at home when I'm gone though!

What It Is Like: Marraige With (A Lot of) Kids

I'm really enjoying writing these posts. I like thinking about what makes our life work and what makes it great and also sharing our reality. I think parenting is a challenge, regardless of the number of kids. In the next few weeks I'll be writing about what it is like when I am away for a few days, and Travis will make a cameo to write about what it is like at home when I am gone, and at least one more post after that. Thanks for commenting after reading. If any of you want to know about some aspect of our life, please ask!

Yesterday was our anniversary. 11 years! I feel like now is a good time to write about how we nurture our marriage in the midst of chaos. We had 6 kids in 8.5 years! That can put stress on the healthiest of marriages. I'm not claiming we are perfect or have all the answers, because obviously we are not and do not. But we do have a pretty good thing going, and I like talking about marriage.

Our marriage did not start in ideal circumstances. You can read about it here, but the abbreviated story is that we got pregnant while still engaged, right after I graduated from college. Travis was still in school and I worked full-time at the University of North Texas.

So how have we made it 11 years? Lots of prayer, support, encouragement, and laughter. Travis emphasizes the laughter part. When you are driving a 15-passnger van with six kids in it, what else are you going to do?

Our shared faith is number one in our marriage, for sure. When we have been facing unexpected pregnancy, job loss, and other stresses, knowing that we both trust in a sovereign God to meet our needs helps us so much. And it is our faith community that has lifted us and carried us so often. We began our marriage volunteering with the high school youth group at church. We made life-long friendships there and we still see the benefits now, even though we've been out of that ministry for several years. Our faith community has made us meals, given us gifts (sometimes anonymously, but we know it has been from church friends) and babysat more time than I can count. Every child has been welcomed with joy and excitement. We've both participated in retreats that have helped us as individuals to strengthen our faith life, as well as as a couple. When we are talking with engaged couples in marriage preparation our first and most emphatic advice is to get plugged in to a faith community.

Okay, so we have a good foundation. But what about the fun stuff? We go on dates, and we do it often. When our older kids were very young we were often gifted with free babysitting from our church community. My parents live about three hours away and for the first few years Travis's parents lived in Massachusetts. Family babysitting was not an option. I know some people really have a hard time leaving their kids with anyone but family. If that had been us, we would have had about 3 dates a year. And I doubt we would be where we are now. We had a baby in October 2001, 2002 and 2003. Surviving that with little time for each other would have been a recipe for trouble. We really value and treasure time together without our kids. Since we were so involved at our church we knew the teenagers and their families and trusted them to watch our kids. I feel like there has been a shift in our society away from using teenagers as babysitters, and I am sad about it. I think babysitting is good for the (mostly) girls that do it--especially if they hope to be mothers one day. It gives young people a chance to earn a little money. We are cheap, but sitters keep coming, so I guess I'm paying enough. We were married before kids (however briefly) and we'll be married when they are out of the house. We have to spend time together without our kids, nurturing the non-parent side of our relationship if we want this to last.

Finally, we make it work because we're a team. We respect each other. We ask for help when we need it. When we are irritated with each other, we talk about it. We try not to complain about each other to our friends. We don't undermine the other in front of the kids. I've accepted that Travis doesn't make a big deal about special days and he's accepted that I have to get my hair cut every six weeks. We compromise. Kids are not a reason for a marriage to be hard. Kids are blessings. Yeah, they challenge us. We get mad at the kids and sometimes take it out on each other. We have to work a little harder to see each other amidst the busy-ness of daily life. But we're worth it. And our kids deserve a healthy marriage example.

And for a bit of real life: yesterday was our anniversary. Travis forgot and scheduled a lunch appointment with a client. Our big date was going to the UNT basketball game and Taco Cabana with the four big kids. Not fancy or romantic, but fitting for our life. (We are going to a Mavs game on Monday, thanks to my generous MIL.)

Sharing my awesome with Momma Made It Looks Easy. You should too!

Just Write: Unprepared

For various reasons I've been thinking a lot lately about becoming a mother. There is a long-ish story to it, but the easy version is I got pregnant while we were engaged.

I guess I've been reading quite a few blog posts about postpartum anxiety or depression. Women pouring their hearts out as they tell how lost and confused they felt. Seeking support and that life-saving "me too" that tells them they are not alone and they are not wrong.

I don't think I had postpartum anything. Maybe an intense case of baby blues, but I wouldn't want to diminish the very real pain those women experience as they battle something still so misunderstood and secretive, in some ways.

But I did have a hard time. I was unprepared, plain and simple. I had no idea what I was doing. I had a delivery that was normal, but not what I expected (induction, labor, c-section). My doctor wasn't the best in his bedside manner.

I was committed to breastfeeding. After all, it was best for baby and all the good mothers did it. I had read the magazines. I knew about the beauty of the bonding. Unfortunately, I didn't read about the pain or the anxiety or the pressure of being the only one who could feed the baby. The nurses made me clock-conscious. Constantly looking at the clock--how long on this side? When did we start nursing? Why sleep, she'll just wake up to nurse again in an hour and I'll have barely closed my eyes.

Ten days after she was born, I was sitting in a restaurant with my husband and my mother. I was holding my baby, rocking in the booth, tears running down my face. We went to the car. I got in, settled the baby. My husband talked to my mom. Take her with you, I don't know what to do. My mom helped me pack and off we went, so Travis could go to work and school and not worry his wife was losing her mind.

My dad would wake me up in the night when my daughter needed to eat. Then he would take her and soothe her to sleep. I visited my childhood pediatrician, so he could tell me my baby was doing fine and so was I. A few days at my childhood home and I was beginning to feel human again. I went back home to my husband. I took things one feeding at a time.

Eventually I decided I did not have to do everything the way the magazines said to be a good  mother. I abandoned breastfeeding for the bottle. My husband said he felt like he finally had the real me back. I went back to work when she was three months old. We figured things out, one day, one milestone at a time. So much felt like guesswork (still does!), but somewhere along the way I began to trust myself. I accepted the less than ideal start to parenthood for what it was and trusted that help would be there when needed, in whatever form.

I was unprepared, but not alone. Unprepared, but not left without help. Unprepared, but not unworthy or unable.




Visit The Extraordinary Ordinary to read more entries in the Just Write link-up.

Just Write: Clawing Her Way Out

I ran today. On the treadmill. 3 miles in 36 minutes. It felt great. I didn't do a darn thing last week, in the way of exercise. Or much else, if I'm honest. But today, I ran (except when I walked). It felt pretty powerful to not do any exercise for over a week and then get on the treadmill and dig deep and pound it out. It would be easy and normal to beat myself up about not doing much last week. But I'm not. Because today I ran.

I do this in lots of areas of my life, as do so many of us. I think about how I didn't do the dishes throughout the day and let them pile up instead and then rush to get them done before dinner. It is frustrating when I do that, since it is my own choice. But today I did do the dishes, right after breakfast. Washed the skillet that the eggs were cooked in (I hate cleaning egg pans, so gross). Put breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. I quit lamenting my lack of motivation in days past and chose to do better today.

My room is a mess. I made the bed. It helps, even if it is just a mental boost. Maybe it will spur me on to finish the room. I know I would appreciate it (not to mention my patient husband). If I don't do it though, I'll smile when I go to bed in my made bed. Because I did that, at least.

There's a productive, organized, happier me somewhere in this mind and body. I'm not sad, don't be alarmed, but I am coasting. I think I need to do less coasting and more intentional moving. And not just on the treadmill. That girl is there, clawing her way out. I'm going to make it easier for her to get out.




Linking up to The Extraordinary Ordinary.

What It Is Like: Going Out in Public

Friday again and time for more ramblings about living life with six kids. Still no picture of the van. By the time I get everyone in or out of the Beast I forget to take a picture. Someday, friends.

So this week I want to write about what it is like to get out of the house with our large family. People often say we have our hands full and things like that, and we do. So we must try to function like a well-oiled machine whenever possible.

One of the realities of our large family is that sometimes we just don't go to places. Not every home or event is appropriate for small kids. Or maybe it is, but not for our kids. We've realized that we can't go to everything all the time, for a variety of reasons. Right now our three oldest kids are playing basketball. We love the league and our kids enjoy playing. Travis is coaching Caleb's team. My big girls are on the same team. After trying to go to their games that are played at the same time and being miserable, I've realized that if Travis can't help corral the littlest ones it is better to just stay home. Lily and Ben don't deserve to be griped at by me because I think they should be perfect in behavior. I have a real chip on my shoulder about how people perceive big families and sometimes that means I'm too hard on my kids. So I choose to stay home where they can play and be themselves and I can stay calm and happy. I hate missing the games, but we've realized it is better for everyone to recognize our limits. This has applied to various school activities too.

Okay, so sometimes we skip out on events. But other things are not optional, like church. Different families make different choices about going to church with small kids. We believe in taking our kids from birth and teaching them to behave from day one. Of course, this is easier said than done. Our church has had nursery available off and on. The only times we used it regularly was when Travis played in the band and I was on my own with three kids two years and under. Once we were sitting together at Mass we have really tried to make Mass work. Now, we have had to go outside with restless or noisy little ones fairly often. But for us, the kids aren't going to learn to behave without lots of opportunities to succeed. We're blessed to have a really good friend that sometimes takes Ben outside for us so we can both participate in Mass (she has usually already attended earlier). It is hard. Sometimes I feel like all we have done is bothered everyone around us and made noise and generally ruined Mass. Every once in a while though, everyone cooperates and I am reminded that all the effort eventually pays off.

When we go to sporting events or large gatherings, I can be a crazy person. I want everyone holding someone's hand. I am constantly scanning the area to make sure I can see everyone. I'm watching for behavior miscues. I'm watching to make sure my toddler isn't destroying something. I might be talking to someone, but I'm rarely making eye contact because I feel like I must always be checking on the kids. I look forward to the day I can relax and just enjoy these things, but for now I accept that a lot of it will be stressful for me. I'm sure not every large family works this way, but that's how I am.

But when it is just the eight (!) of us out to eat or going to the store, it can be silly and fun. Our kids are fun to be around. They have quirky personalities (from their dad!) and keep us entertained. So far we've managed to raise them well enough to go out and have fun with us without making a scene and being little destructo-bots (most of the time). Travis and I work as a team to keep track of everyone. We are rarely late to Mass or anywhere because I am super paranoid about being on time. We leave for Mass 30 minutes before it starts, just because I don't want to be late (and it can be a challenge to get enough seats if we're too late). The church is a mile away. I might have a problem.

In the end, going out in public for us is like it is for any family. Sometimes great, sometimes a headache. I try to make sure we have diapers, cups, snacks when needed. We don't let the kids take toys or games to church or dinner or things like that. Conversation is entertainment, they don't need gadgets. We might break out our phones to make it through the last ten minutes of a meal (only for Lily or Ben) on occasion. I might feel like a traveling circus, but people like circuses, so I guess that's all right.

Sharing my awesome with Jen this week too!

Just Write: Adulthood

We watched old home movies with Travis's family over Christmas. It was so funny to see him and his brother in their awkward middle school years. Also, I realized even more that one of our sons is just like his dad.

After watching we discussed how his parents looked like real adults. They looked like they had their  business together. There was no question who was in charge. And yet, we don't feel that way about ourselves at all! We are approximately the same age now as his parents were in the videos we watched. But most of the time, I feel like I am still faking this whole adult thing.

Yesterday I had to go pick up Taylor from school, as she had come down with a fever. And in bed last night I marveled that I am the one who gets called when someone is sick. I'm the mom, the person who knows what to do and takes responsibility. And I've been doing it for ten years! Will I ever feel like I'm standing on solid ground, capable as a parent?

I'm not saying I feel like I'm lost or have no idea what I'm doing. We're doing the best we can, for sure, and are fortunate to be surrounded by so many people that are excellent examples of doing it right (starting with our own families). And still, I look around at my life and kind of can't believe it is mine.

Am I the only one?




Linking up with Heather again, a couple of days late. Visit her to see some fabulous examples of writing.