There is struggle in all that I do lately, is how I feel.
I struggle with contentment. So much. I push against gratitude and awareness of how incredibly blessed I am. I reject every piece of evidence that says I am favored and well-loved.
I run and I do push-ups and so on and whatever, and then I see what someone else did; how they went farther or pushed harder and I diminish my efforts. Instead of acknowledging how far I have come, I look at where I could still go. But then I look at myself (so vain!) and see all the evidence of my hard work, of efforts only I could make, and I try to hang on to that for a bit.
I read a person's words and I am tempted to delete my own. To scrap this whole blog thing, and forget that I ever called myself a writer. I struggle to get one post a week here, while others write daily. But I try to remember that six (!) years ago I didn't even know I had the words in me.
I struggle with an inclination to laziness and resentment. Wanting acknowledgment for what I get done while failing to do all that needs to be done. I know that it is immature and irrational. I know that no one is keeping tabs and checking to see who is ahead. I try to resolve to do better.
The internet is a wonder and a beast. We can find words and friends to push us and inspire us and encourage us. Or we can find words and strangers behind a screen that tear us down, that make us forget who we are and how blessed our life is.
My poor husband and a few close friends have to deal with my struggle nearly every day. They see me go from confident and secure to doubting and fearful in the seeming blink of an eye.
Ultimately, I know what I need to do. All of this struggle stems from failing to seek God in my life. I'm still in a spiritual desert, knowing I could get out, but not doing much about it. But coming here, and telling you about the struggle, tells me that I am winning. And that is enough.
Just Write with Heather of the EO