Am I still talking about running?
Yes, yes I am.
I'm running a lot. So I think about running a lot. When I'm not running, I'm trying to take care of my family and eat well and see my friends and carry on with life. When I am running, I think about all of those things and a million other things too. But I think about running the most. Which is kind of silly, because the whole idea is that running should be my time to let it all go. Sometimes I do and it is really refreshing.
Today, though, as I ran my four miles, I was mostly thinking about running. It was a weird run today. While I felt strong and able to get the distance done, I was also struggling. I finished two miles and wanted to quit. I didn't quit, because I would have been way too disappointed in myself, but I wanted to. I was thinking too much about running ten miles tomorrow. I was worrying about my pace too much. I was just thinking too much, period.
I'm going through a small crisis of confidence. The race is a month away. My training has been so smooth, with minimal pain and setbacks. I've been hitting my goal pace for a while, so there is a chance I'll be able to go even faster. But there is a part of me that is afraid I'm hitting everything just right now and will fall apart by race time.
This is totally normal, I think. Running distance is such a mental challenge, for me. Yes, there is a physical challenge, but that is not the part that is hard for me, relatively speaking. The mental commitment to doing this is hard to sustain. Keeping a positive attitude about putting in the miles and finding time to do it and sticking with all the other aspects of training can wear me down. I'm so glad we are at least done with fall sports and I can relax in the evenings.
I have three long runs left, before the race. I love the feeling I have when I am done with a long run--powerful, peaceful, proud. I try to hang on to that feeling when I'm having a hard, short run. I try to tell myself that the achievement is in the effort, not the result.
Mostly I try to stop thinking so much.