Close friends had a baby last night. I opened Facebook this morning and there she was, all pink and new and wonderful. My heart sighed.
"Are you done?" "Will you have any more?"
No. I don't know. Probably not. Only time will tell. Thoughtless answers. Quick responses to what is often an insincere question. Or a question that in the mind of the inquirer only has one acceptable answer.
This is a weird place, and one I am likely to be in for ten or more years. We think our family is as it should be. We trust God to guide us, or we say we do. Of course, like all men, we cling to what little control we have. We ask but we ask the same way people ask us if we are done, with an answer already in our heads.
Truly, I don't think we want any more kids (I know Travis does not and I feel the same most days). But it seems so ungrateful and selfish to just say it. To say no thanks, we're all done with that kind of blessing. So arrogant and presumptuous somehow.
So I'm in between. I'm not at that place where I say with confidence and peace that our family is complete. I'm not longing for another baby, even when I see a tiny little newborn just calling out to be snuggled for hours on end. My head and heart are getting closer, I think.
There will always be a space though, that brief thought of "what if . . . " followed by the knowledge that this is enough. This is more than anyone could ever dare ask for or take for granted. This is blessing beyond measure, bounty that will never be as appreciated as it should be, love poured out on two undeserving souls.
But I think I will stay in between for a while longer anyway.